The Unusual 3-Step Method for Making a Difference While Grieving
August 23, 2019
The Unusual 3-Step Method for Making a Difference While Grieving

By Gary Roe

Loss hurts. Grief is challenging. How we handle life's changes and hardships matters - both to us and to those around us.

As a grief specialist, I believe that there are four main keys to healing from loss: 
  • Processing grief emotions well

  • Taking good care of ourselves

  • Managing changing relationships

  • Taking healthy grief breaks

Most people have heard of the first three. When I mention, "Grief breaks," however, I tend to get furrowed brows and tilted heads.

If you are grieving, you need breaks. You need time away from the constant emotional heaviness and mental exhaustion. No heart can handle the full onslaught of grief all the time.

The best grief breaks I've found involve invisible people.

Invisible people are all around us in daily life. They fly under the radar. They're everywhere, but they usually escape our notice.

Cashiers, food service workers, and janitorial staff. Landscapers, construction workers, and sanitation truck drivers. Supermarket shoppers, grocery stockers, and deli workers. Bus drivers, mass transit employees, and customer service personnel. Most of us blow past these people and hardly even know they're there.

These often-invisible people have names. They have families and people they love and care about. They have talents, interests, and passions. They have hearts. They have heartaches. Chances are they tussle with worry, fear, emotional pain, and guilt. Many of them are dealing with a loss of some kind.

If you're hurting, you can make a real difference in the lives of often-invisible people while providing some grief relief for yourself.

Here's how:

1. See the invisible people around you.

Make the choice to take a break. Breathe deeply. Get out. Set your mind to deliberately notice the people you encounter.

Observe them. Faces. Eyes. Body postures. Notice what they're wearing and what they're doing (without judging either). This forces you out of your own head and eases you into the present moment. At that instant, you are living life in the here and now.

2. Engage with the invisible people around you.

Now, take the next step. Engage. Let them know you've seen them.
Greet them. Many have name tags. Notice their name and use it.

There is power in a person's name. When we call someone by name, we're saying, "I not only see you, but I care enough to learn your name."

By using their name, we're sending another message: "You matter."

Each person is one of a kind in human history. There has never been another individual exactly like them, and there never will be again. Unique. Valuable. Significant. Priceless.

See them. Take an interest. Engage. Find out their name - and use it.

3. Affirm the invisible people around you.

See them. Engage. Then find a way to affirm and encourage them.

Our world tends to be negative. Most people feel judged, evaluated, and picked apart on a daily basis. Life is hard. Challenges are everywhere. Obstacles abound.

A kind word can cut through the heaviness of life like a hot knife through butter. A thoughtful affirmation can have stunning, life-altering impact.

In my work with hospice, I frequently visit assisted living and skilled nursing facilities. After seeing my patients, I always look for the cleaning staff.

"Thank you for all you do. You're more important than you know."

"You're the reason this place smells so good."

"Keep up the great work. We can't do this without you."

Their responses are priceless. Stunned looks. Open-mouthed stares. Embarrassed but delighted grins. I've even gotten tears and emotional hugs.

What did I do? Not much. I simply decided to see them. I used their name. I found a way to affirm them.

You can make someone's day, week, or month in less than 10 seconds. Set your mind to enter their world for just a moment. Find a way to say, "I see you. You matter."
The results can be extraordinary, not only for them, but for you.

A new resolve. 

As we begin to see the often-invisible people around us, something happens inside us. Our hearts expand. A new resolve develops.

We don't have to live as victims of what happens to us.

We can choose to live as people who see, engage, and affirm.

We can be people who care and love, no matter what.

We can turn our pain into purpose. We can use our grief for good.

Most grieving hearts feel misunderstood. Perhaps you feel judged, rejected, and abandoned. Maybe you feel like a shadow of our former self. You might even feel invisible.

What's the antidote?

Give away what you need. Make the choice to see, engage, and affirm the often-invisible people out there.

As you do, you'll often be seen in return.

The world needs you, even when you're hurting.


Gary Roe, an award-winning author, speaker, and grief specialist is a compassionate and trusted voice in grief-recovery who has been bringing comfort, hope, encouragement, and healing to hurting, wounded hearts for more than 30 years. Click here to get a free excerpt of his new book, Comfort for Grieving Hearts. For more information visit Permission granted for use on   

Posted by Staff at 11:23 AM