May 1, 2018Spying on Your Spouse
If you’re snooping, the relationship is already over. Let me explain why.
In a healthy relationship, two people trust each other and don’t give each other reasons to distrust. They also respect each other’s right to privacy, personal space, and some life that extends beyond the relationship as long as it does not compromise the commitment. It’s amazing how few people can do that.
Snooping is actually more of a statement about you than the other person because the moment you snoop, you become untrustworthy. The hypocrisy is amazing - here you are accusing him or her of sneaking around, but you’re sneaking and being deceitful when you snoop. You may even only get partial information, which in the context of the whole story makes you look like a major ass. If you find out your spouse is completely on the up-and-up, by virtue of spying, you’ve now committed the highest magnitude of violation.
Invading someone’s privacy is really immature. You probably need therapeutic help because clearly you’re compelled from fear, self-doubt, insecurity, or distrust, which started well before you met this person. All of this erodes the core foundation of love and trust in the relationship, without which there is no relationship. If I were in a relationship with a guy who was checking my cell phone or email, that’d be the end of it right there.
If you have evidence that you’ve noticed or you really believe that you can’t trust this person, you don’t need to snoop - you already have what you need right in front of you (and you know it). Sure, every now and again I will suggest to callers on my show that they should hire a private detective. However, the bigger question you need to ask yourself is, are you prepared to deal with the answer once you get it?
The other day, a lady called my show and admitted that for years she had not treated her husband very well and had taken him for granted. There was no love, affection, attention, sexuality, or sensuality. So, he had started going to strip joints with a buddy, and she was snooping to confirm her suspicion. I told her that she already knew what he was doing; the question now was, what was she going to do with the information? He hadn’t cheated and he hadn’t left her. Was she going to throw away a perfectly good man and years of marriage, or was she going to wear something ridiculously sexy that night when he came home and start stripping for him? I assured her that if she did the latter, he wouldn’t be going back to the strip club. Guaranteed.
So, it all comes down to what you do with the information. Are you going to rise to the occasion or be an idiot? If you feel that snooping is the only way you can find out what your partner is doing, just know that the trust is already gone. Once you gather evidence, reveal your suspicions and give your spouse a chance to confirm or deny. If they don’t come clean, then the relationship is in deep trouble, and you have a big decision to make.
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Posted by Staff at 3:05 PM