Dear Dr. Laura,

A few days ago I heard you talking about caretaker burnout. I have always been my kids' mom and my husband's girlfriend, but two and a half years ago I also had the job of being caretaker for my father, who was dying from a non-cancerous, but inoperable brain tumor.

My parents divorced when I was in college, and neither remarried, so the task of being my father's primary (only) caretaker fell upon me, even though I lived a half hour away and had two children to care for (then ages 7 and 15).

Taking care of my father was both physically and emotionally demanding. He was not an easy person to care for and at times was borderline verbally abusive towards me. Nonetheless, I did the best I could to care for him in the way he wanted to be cared for. I drove him to medical appointments (usually a minimum of two hours away as his condition required he see specialists) and did his grocery shopping. I visited him at least 2-3 times per week to check up on him. It would have been easier for me to place him in an assisted living facility in my home town but he did not want that, and I respected his wishes, hiring a live-in healthcare aide who took care of him in his home.

In the midst of my exhaustion and grief (I knew he was dying), his well-meaning cousins who live in another state got involved in his care. By involved, I don't mean they actually DID anything to help... they basically just questioned and criticized every decision I made. They were outraged when my father became a hospice patient. They demanded he undergo more medical tests (repeating ones he already had done). They told me that doctors in their state were far superior to the ones here. They criticized me for not acting fast enough to take care of his needs. You get the picture.

I loved my father very much, Dr. Laura. Ever since he passed away in December 2009, there has been a huge hole in my life. He meant everything to me. And I am tormented every day by the little voice in my mind that says those cousins were right... I didn't do enough to save my father... and I am responsible for his death.

Please, tell your listeners to think before they offer their "helpful advice" to a caretaker. Their comments, no matter how well-intentioned, can leave a legacy of pain and grief.

Julie