July 27, 2010Tip of the Week: October 25th, 2009
Finding Closure When aRelationship Suddenly Ends
By Dalma Heyn
Charles left Miranda one day after a six-month love affair, with nosatisfactory explanation. He just announced, during a good solid startat long-term love, "Sorry, Miranda, I guess this isn't working" -- saidit not even kindly, at that. He wasn't interested in hearing whyMiranda thought that in fact it was working, quite wonderfullyactually; that it was a relationship and relationships needed a littleworking out now and again. No, he didn't want to hear it. For him, itwas over. So was all discussion on the topic.
It always seems unthinkable, this scenario in which a lover leavesabruptly; runs you over like a train, as if you were just something tobe left on the side of the curb like road kill. How do you everfind closure with a guy who heads for the hills and never tells youwhy? It's gut-wrenchingly hard, but you have to find closurewithin yourself. Here's how.
Cut your losses. You pickyourself up, dust yourself off, and start all over again. You don'tdecide that because he didn't tell you anything, the cause of hisdeparture are your thighs, or a fight you had, or your bad mood lastmonth. A man who is too withholding and cowardly to explain himself hasto be excised as brutally as he excised you. You tell yourself,"I don't want to spend my precious time with someone who doesn't wantto spend it with me." When all is said and done, isn't that the truth?
Do not call him. Hedoesn't want to talk? Then believe him. No quick texts; no trying tolocate him; no flaming e-mails; no late-night calls begging for areason why you were so unceremoniously dumped. (Do you really want tohear, "Oh, it's you. Um, yeah, right, hi.") You remind yourself#151;athousand times, if you have to-- that while you still want him, you donot NEED him. You have a roof over your head. (I remember, eons ago,when women literally needed men to have a life!) All that you need isgood food, rest, exercise--and some calm downtime to get yourself upand ready to meet someone who wants you.
Do not idealize him now that he's gone.We all tend to turn people into saints once they're gone, but thisperson didn't die; he bolted. Resist the urge to make him moredesirable simply because he's unavailable. And resist the correspondingurge toward self-blame. (The thigh thing again.)
Take your power back. Remember what it felt like--really felt like--to be with him. I don'tmean how you thought it could be if he loved you more; I mean most ofthe time. Were you exhausted? Walking on eggshells? Pushing to getcloser? If so, you were at your worst and will never be at your worstagain. If it was truly wonderful.....then the man isn't just cowardly,he's psychotic.
Don't think, "I should have knownbetter." You couldn't have known. You can't spot one ofthese guys; he doesn't wear a sign saying, "I'm a disaster." The onlyway to avoid a man who can't love you is to remember what it felt likein the past. When you're with someone the next time, you'll have asense memory: a feeling of being exhausted, off-balance, nervous....and you'll run.
Meanwhile, lay low. Nurse your wounds--the way a hurt animal would.Don't date; you're not ready. But one day, you'll meet an earth guy wholoves being intimate; who wants to please you; who gets you, who makesyou feel comfortable in your own skin#133; a man who can express hisfeelings. And that man won't sap your energy--he'll make you feel aliveagain.
Dalma Heyn, M.S.W., Founder of The Love Goddess, is the author ofseveral bestselling books on marriage and relationships. Dalma is awidely read columnist and sought-after speaker. She hasappeared--without her wings--on national talk shows including Oprah, The View, Charlie Rose, GoodMorning America, and Larry King Live. For more information visitwww.thelovegoddess.comor www.dalmaheyn.net.copy;2009 Robbin Montero Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com.
Posted by Staff at 7:21 PM