Guilt and longing are two very human emotions that often blend into a desperate glue that keeps people stuck in situations they ought not to be in.' Whether it is with family, friends or a prospective spouse, trust that small, smart voice inside of you which repeats the mantra you try to ignore: "This is destructive or dangerous.' Let it go or get out." Decent people feel guilty about pulling away from a relationship because "it will hurt the other person's feelings," and decent people just cringe at the idea of causing another emotional pain.' That's nice, but guilt is a cue that what you're doing is wrong , not that what you're doing is something somebody else just doesn't want or like.' There is no intent to hurt in this situation.' There is only the intent to preserve one's own emotional and physical safety and/or well-being.Longing is a natural condition - i.e., wanting something to be right and good because you've invested in it, and because it is a good thing to want:' a great, happy, healthy, mutually fulfilling relationship is always a blessing.' However, when that is clearly not the case, then withdrawing is the healthiest and, therefore, right thing to do.' It is difficult for people to give up their dreams, but you have to remember that the dream is not the problem.' The current object of that dream is the problem.' Take your dream and plant it where it can actually grow well.Remember, there is no growth without discomfort or outright pain.' Consider growing pains of the emotional sort just a natural course of events as you mature, and make wise decisions.'Choose wisely; treat kindly.' Treating kindly won't work if you haven't chosen wisely. More >>

A number of people have expressed to me that they feel somewhat guilty that their lives are so blessed and/or peaceful right now while people are being blown up in Afghanistan, Pakistan and other places - and by their own countrymen!' Or that people are suffering and dying by the tens of thousands in Haiti in the aftermath of a devastating earthquake."How [they ask] can I dare to have a good day when all of this is happening?"I think that's a good question asked by decent people.'The answer is simple:' what choice do you have?Shall you undermine yourself and those who count on you by crumbling under the awareness of this cruelty of people and nature?' Does that add to the miserly of the world?' YES.' Does that minimize the misery of the world?' NO.Your job is to do and be your best and to bring light into darkness in your own mind and home, and among family, friends, and community.' Where you have the wherewithal and the expertise to extend that to deserving people and places, do so because all humanity benefits by your action of caring - if not aided directly , then at the very least inspired by your example.Where you can't extend yourself to some place around the world, be cognizant that compassion and love in a circle around you has a ripple effect to help perfect the world for whatever moments of bliss might exist.' They add up.'Whether close at hand or off to a distant land, when you extend mercy, you do an act which magnificently defines humanity. More >>

Let's talk about having conversations.' You read that right - I didn't goof and actually mean confrontation , which typically is what I hear most about on my radio program.' It is not a good plan to think of trying to communicate something delicate or important to someone by approaching them through the lenses of battle, which is what confrontation implies.There are ways to deal with another person on difficult issues that don't necessarily feel like the throwing down of a gauntlet (an attack against which they have to be defensive).' The moment you get someone's defenses up, the quicker the whole situation degenerates into a "lose/lose" predicament, usually making things even worse than they were.If the information is to a loved one, start out with a "Sweetie" or "Honey" or something that sets the tone as one of friendship, love or caring.' Continue with the explanation that it is to improve the situation that you're coming to them (because you don't want the relationship hurt by misunderstandings or errors in judgment or word choice).'' Then they know that you are not attacking them, but you are trying to preserve the relationship and they will be more open to hearing your point of view.It's also important to start out with some verbal "gift," i.e., that you compliment them with sincerity by suggesting that you understand what their position might be, but that you're confused, hurt, upset or worried that ________ [fill in the blank].' Remind them what you've meant to each other and how you want that to continue, and that this is a glitch which can be remedied with mutual consideration and understanding.If you're up against a reasonable, caring individual, things will go well.'If you're up against an un reasonable, self-centered human being, things will go well if you walk away.Rule number "PRE-one:"' Don't wait for emotions to fester.' Handle things as they happen before you work yourself up to the point that you can't be reasonable. More >>

The other day, someone made an honest comment to me about a gift I gave them - a rude comment, but an honest one.This is the sort of circumstance I hear about a lot on my radio program.' Callers get very upset about some small moment of discomfort, stupidity, rudeness, thoughtlessness - you get my drift.' It sends them into a tizzy, because I guess they yearn for this perfect world where everyone else's behavior conforms to what it is that makes them happy.People are largely busy with their own lives, and they don't always monitor their mouths or body language.' Sometimes, they're prone to say things without consideration of how it might be received.So, back to my story - I just laughed.' Look, my feelings can get hurt just like yours.' But since I am "Dr. Laura," and because I have the experience of over six decades on the planet, I have learned to choose what will annoy me.' When you have friends and acquaintances, you have to' 1) cut everyone some "stupidity slack" once in a while (as you would have them forgive you);' 2) look at the totality of that person and realize that, percentage-wise, they're "fine," and 3) decide whether or not their action was intentionally meant to do you harm or was just a quirk of their personality.When someone is downright evil, please avoid them.When someone is simply a bit thoughtless of others, then put them in their place...in your mind, that is.' Know that they have this "quirky-ness" and in the future, don't have expectations for them that are out-of-proportion.You can still be friendly, and even be friends, once you accept their limitations.So, if you don't have a "goat" to get , they can't get your goat! More >>

I thought I'd continue with the theme of new beginnings during the first week of the new year by telling you a "biggie" for me - something I had to learn at a deeper level than just on an intellectual level.' I took up the game of pool about a year ago.' And like everything I do, I jumped into it "full bore" and with ferocity unmatched by any other living creature.' I practiced hours every day in this mad-like rush to conquer this goal as soon as I possibly could.In general, my enthusiasm and full commitment pay off in learning and conquering new goals, but there are some that actually require a dispassionate approach.' That was tough for me.' I got thoroughly emotional whenever I missed even one shot!' I quit several times out of utter frustration.'Fortunately, I have a great coach/teacher who keeps trying to get me to be quite robotic.' He has me do what amounts to a ritual routine with each shot:' look at the shot and imagine it happening as I put chalk on the cue tip.' Then, put the chalk down and I pretend I'm doing the shot once or twice in the air, then get way down on the table and do practice motions up to the cue ball and then fire.Once I am down, no more thinking, moving, judging...just faith that my mind and body have this covered.'This took the better part of a year to learn.' But it works.The too easy frustration with myself comes from a most critical father's constant berating of me, and taking up pool has helped a tremendous amount with getting rid of that knee-jerk response.'I was setting up my weaving loom the other day, and everything was going wrong.' The set-up looked seriously trashy.' But instead of getting down on myself (like I would have done before), I just smiled, leaned over, cut it all off the loom and threw it away.' I walked away feeling quite accomplished!' Why?' I just accepted that sometimes it doesn't work - thrown away yarn is not the end of the world - and having the calm to make that decision to come back and loom another day is a big victory!I hope this story helps you. More >>

More >>

I was asked the other day what New Year's resolutions I'm making.' I couldn't come up with any, not because I'm in denial about having to change anything about my life, but because it's just that I live each week, much less each day, already making those changes that I choose.'I like the idea of frequent "small course changes," rather than abrupt, major alterations in one's life.' I find that the latter kinds of changes are harder to keep, since they are such a divergence from normal reality and routine.So, I'm not trying to talk you out of losing that 100 pounds, or finishing the roof on your house all by yourself.' I just believe that it's unrealistic to put yourself in front of a 100-foot-tall pile of whatever with a spoon and told to "go at it."If it's weight that you want to lose, forget about that, and just decide not to have salad dressing loaded with fat calories, and just decide to walk 1 mile with music in your ear - iPod-style.' When that gets too familiar (or starts to feel "old"), then decide that you have to eat smaller portions and ride your bike for 1 mile each day (but I recommend doing that without the iPod, in order for you to hear traffic).'Get it? Small things are easier to stay with, because you get instant gratification, which we all love.The weight?' Don't get on the scale more than twice a month.' Just revel in those small changes.' The weight will take care of itself.' And then, you can go shopping for new clothes (yay)! More >>

Since this is the season of giving, I thought I'd share with you a letter I got from an Army Captain who was the recipient of a kind deed from a stranger: Dr. Laura:I am an active duty soldier stationed at Ft. Bragg, North Carolina.' I am not a regular coffee drinker, but after a week of unusually early mornings and late nights, I pulled into the drive-thru of a popular coffee chain this morning on my way to work in need of a caffeine kick.' As you would expect, I placed my order and waited behind a few cars until it was my turn to pay and go.' When I pulled up to the window, the cashier handed me my cup and informed me that the lady in the car ahead of me had noticed my uniform and graciously paid my tab. I'll never be able to thank that lady personally for her kindness, but perhaps she is a listener of yours, and I hope a short note of appreciation can articulate what these kind gestures - no matter how seemingly small - mean to us in the service.' I am always moved by the gratitude and patriotism of strangers, and I never forget a simple word of thanks or the enduring impact that it has. Thank you for everything that you do, Dr. Laura, for us in uniform.' I subscribe to your podcast so that I never miss a minute of your wisdom and insight no matter where in the world I find myself these days. Airborne!Captain W. More >>

Frankly, I'm fed up with excuses for out-of-control, bad behavior.' Excuses like:''''''''' 1) it's an addiction''''''''' 2) it's somebody else's fault.Nothing is going to change in anyone's life until responsibility for choices, actions, or in actions is taken.Here's an example:' during a year-long gambling binge at the Caesar's Palace and Rio casinos in Las Vegas in 2007, Terrence Watanabe managed to lose nearly $127 million (most of his personal fortune).' Watanabe - unmarried, no kids - who spent his adult life working around the clock for his father's import novelty business, picked up gambling in Las Vegas and was treated like a king.Apparently, he drank to excess, and is claiming that the casinos named in his lawsuit violated gambling regulations by not shutting off his ability to gamble when he was drunk - which is a state rule.Mr. Watanabe is also a criminal defendant who faces 28 years in prison for "intent to defraud and steal from Harrah's," stemming from $14.7 million that the casino says it extended to him as credit and that he lost.So, which is it?' Is Watanabe responsible for his debts, drunk or sober?' Or is Harrah's responsible as they allegedly let him gamble and lose when he was drunk?Well, it might be BOTH!Watanabe may have a case if, indeed, Harrah's broke the law about allowing drunks to gamble.HOWEVER (and it is a BIG "however"), that argument might work for Watanabe for one tour of gambling, but when sober - sober , mind you - he made the choice...the choice ... to go back to Harrah's, drink, gamble, lose, ask for credit, and not pay the full amount he owed.Watanabe is responsible for his bad behavior, bad habits and debts.' If Harrah's employees kept him gambling when he was "fall-down drunk," then they have to deal with the civil courts and the gaming commission of the state.' However, how drunk do you have to be before you are not responsible for deciding on a bet, physically pushing chips forward, and so on?' If you're fall down drunk, you're probably not able to do those things.'He placed his bets; he lost.' He needs to pay up. More >>

I understand that the list is now at 14 distinct dalliances by Tiger Woods, and the count is likely to grow.' One of the reasons the legal types are interested in this situation is the precedent for "alienation of affection" suits, which can be filed when an "outsider" interferes in a marriage.' These suits are allowed in seven states:' Hawaii, Illinois, Mississippi, New Mexico, North Carolina, South Dakota and Utah.' Why these suits are disallowed in all the other states is a curiosity.' Perhaps lawmakers in those states were being pre-emptively self-protective.' Who knows?However, it doesn't matter that Woods lives in Florida, a state where alienation of affections suits aren't allowed.' If any of Woods' professed affairs took place in an alienation of affection state, Mrs. Tiger Woods could sue.' According to my research, the suits rarely make it to trial - usually the threat of such an embarrassing lawsuit is enough to have it end up in an out-of-court financial settlement.On my radio program, when I discuss with the "wronged" spouse their pain and desire to get revenge with the "other woman or man," I remind them that it is their spouse who breached vows.' The other individual was just the means to that sad end.' When people don't wish to leave their marriages, they often focus their rage on that other person to protect their spouse from their rage.' However, I believe it ought to be common understanding that the vows include a warning to others:' "let no man turn asunder" means that no one should interfere with the married couple's intimacy.' All society has really taken that vow.' Therefore, I believe it is fair that there be some consequence, and perhaps compensation, for the hurt caused.I think all states should allow such lawsuits, as they respect the sanctity of marriage. More >>