Hi Dr. Laura,
I am writing about a mother who called you a few weeks ago about her 21-year-old daughter who was in the process of divorce, I believe married to a man in the military and was needing to move back home. The mother wasn't sure if she should let her daughter move home. The very end of the call told the story for me.
I am a divorced mother who has raised 4 sons and one daughter alone so I am a seasoned mother. I worked and provided for all 5, but never had day care. Where there is a will, there is a way. You told the caller the daughter should get a place of her own and not rely on the mother as the daughter had made the decision to marry at 19. The mother then said the daughter didn't have a car or license to drive. You suggested the daughter take the bus, ride a bike, walk, all good. But then I got thinking. Why in the world would a 19-year-old girl leave to marry, and not know how to drive? She left to be taken care of. She was still a child. The mother did NOT do her job.
When each of my kids turned 14, I took them to the DMV. They got a permit and I put them in the driver's seat for the ride home. From then on, each one of them drove everywhere with me next to them. They have no dad and so I taught them. The reason her daughter is messed up is the mother's fault. That mom should have given that daughter the most basic of tools at the very least. The daughter didn't even have a license. I was steaming! Are you kidding me? It makes me so mad parents dismiss their kids, don't have time for them, don't train them and prepare them to be adults and then they wonder what is wrong with them. Or think they are being brats. Some are, but I blame this mother. My children learned how to drive with me next to them so they would be safe and responsible adult drivers. They all had jobs as minors, they all were TAUGHT to be hard-working responsible children. I had NO help so I can tell you there are NO excuses. If I did it, so can anyone.
I was married for many years and broke a cycle of abuse. I worked crappy jobs, went without sleep, but never did I take it out on my kids. They went with me to work or they were sleeping. They had a happy home and have been taught and prepared to be adults. This young girl of 21 obviously was not given the training to be independent. I think her mother should have to take her back in, train her more, complete her job as a mother and this time do it right. And then her daughter will be able to be on her own. By the way, I have taken in 19 kids - for free. My kids brought them home because they were in the way of mom's new boyfriend or dad's new girlfriend. I love my kids!
Diana
