Hi Dr. Laura,
I loved the call from the mom who needed some ideas to help her son "hide wood". Some of the things that worked for me "popped up" in my brain. It can be an embarrassing event if you are "blessed" more than most or for your age.
Ways to hide wood.
1. Holding a binder or textbook in front works. A backpack, gym bag or jacket is good too. It could also be a good time to ask to carry a box of something for someone...anyone.
2. Tie a sweat shirt or sweater around your waist so the hanging arms are in the front.
3. Baggy jeans of thicker denim provide more resistance to attempts to alter or enhance the shape of the jean. Track pants and thin cotton cargos are not good for controlling "situations".
4. Bend over to tie a shoe and think about gross, unsexy stuff until the tide subsides. Also, while bent down, take a second to give a quick adjustment. Tuck it down or strait up and flat against you.
5. Wear oversized, structured, box-type shirts such as sport team jerseys that hang below the problem area. The old Dr Laura 'Go Take on the Day!' t-shirt is probably an unwise choice if too tight.
6. Boxer shorts and some boxer brief type underwear do not provide control in emergency situations. Tighter speedo-type briefs and jock straps can hold things down or in better. Double up if needed!
7. How you "dress" is a term from the dance world meaning, does it hang left, right, up or down? "Dressing down" in a tight brief makes things less obvious. Tuck it down.
8. Stay seated and don't get up. If you get called to go to the blackboard, pretend to need to go the washroom. Go quickly.
9. Definitely....under no circumstances...DO NOT TOUCH OR RUB IT MORE THAN ONCE AND ONLY FOR ADJUSTMENT PURPOSES! More than once and your playing with it!!! (and someone always sees!)
10. If you are worried about things "popping up" when you wrestle in gym class, partner up with the stinky kid.
P.S. I hope you are going to continue Corny Joke day! (Yes, indeed we are continuing it!)