My childhood friend and I are both 44. I am married and childless; she is shacking up with her boyfriend and got pregnant but lost the baby late term. Despite an incredibly unstable relationship with the boyfriend, she is trying to get pregnant again and says she has a "right" to be a mother. I plan to share the following with her, knowing she may not talk to me again. Perhaps these thoughts will help others reconsider having a child out of wedlock:
I waited until I was married before trying to get pregnant. I was honest enough with myself to admit I could not do it on my own and knew (thanks to listening to you) that the child would have its best chance at succeeding in life if I could provide a stable, committed, two-parent environment. By the time that was possible, I was 37 and I miscarried. I also had to have a hysterectomy. Despite this, I have never regretted putting the happiness and well-being of my potential child before my own desire to be a mother. Through listening to you, I learned what my feminist mother was not able to teach me - that a mother's first and foremost duty is to make an honest assessment BEFORE getting pregnant as to whether she is bringing her child into a stable environment emotionally, mentally, and financially. A child's right to that environment supersedes a woman's ticking biological clock and her "right" to motherhood. A mother is supposed to sacrifice for her child, not sacrifice the child to meet her own needs and wants. While it hurts that I could not have my own child and adoption is too expensive for us right now, I'd rather have that pain any day than know I intentionally hurt my child by putting my biological clock ahead of waiting until the time was right for the child.
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