Cheryl Coronel, a Dr. Laura listener, requested a response on the following:' "When people call about telling someone information that they are unaware of, you always ask, 'What benefit is it to the person to know?'' When it comes to a spouse, is this the only question that one needs to ask?' If it is about the children, must you tell?' Can you please elaborate as to the 'rules.'"'''' While this is a bit difficult to answer without specific examples, I'll do my best.'''' Most people seem to think that if something is
it can or should be spoken out loud with impunity.' Well, then, "Your thighs are flabby," "Your kid is ugly," and "Your wife's boobs are microscopic - how in the heck do you ever get turned on?"'''' Some folks used the "truth" as a weapon to hurt or feel/appear superior.' I have spent many minutes in many calls trying to pull people back from that temptation.'''' You must always ask yourself, "What benefit is it to the person to know...whatever?"' There are many times I have advised people to hold back on seemingly huge information because it would be severely damaging.' For example, I have told men not to tell their children that the child is not "biologically" theirs.' A common situation is when the woman was already pregnant by a sperm-donor type guy, and the caller stepped up to the plate and married her and raised the child as his/their own.' Years later, they "worry" that the child has a right to the truth.' I tell them that this child will be severely hurt by this disclosure and that they should go to their graves with that "truth."' A sperm does not a father make - it's the man who does the job who should enjoy the title.' Telling a child that his/her dad isn't, only makes them feel disconnected from family at a time when bonding and identification is so important.'''' One argument I get constantly with this position is that the child needs to know their medical history.' Poppycock.' With full-body scanning, technologically superior blood tests and other modern medical diagnostic advances such as genetic screening, history is the least important issue in good health maintenance.''' Children also do not benefit from knowledge of all the stupid things you did as a child; they need to benefit from what you've learned from all the stupid things you did as a child.'''' Now as to the "spouse" issue, I have often told folks who had a brief out-of-marriage encounter (especially when they have children) NOT to tell their spouses IF they are truly remorseful, they take full responsibility for their actions, do their best to repair the problems, and make dedicated efforts to not repeat their actions.' While "admitting" their misbehaviors might make them feel better, it is cruel to make the spouse carry that burden, and those visions, if it can be avoided.''''' However, I always advise people to definitely tell their fianc' or boy/girl friend of dalliances; before commitment it is important information for decision-making.'''' When callers say they "saw" or "heard" some information, I tell them not to convey it unless they know it first hand as truth (versus gossip and hearsay) AND then only if it is something that person needs to know in order to protect themselves or their family.'''' I always tell folks never to tell their spouses that they've fantasized about somebody, real or on celluloid; after all, they themselves are mundane too!''''' While I have but touched the surface (and you can read more about my thoughts in my newest book,
The Proper Care & Feeding of Marriage
),' I believe the point is made: make sure that any information you convey is absolutely correct and always consider the ultimate consequences.' Some things just should never be said.
|Tags: Charity, In Praise of Stay-at-Home Moms, Morals, Ethics, Values, Values
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I love civility; wish there were more of it (yeah, here's the "but"): but I don't like the falseness of saying, "I respect your point of view," or, "I respect everyone's point of view" when it is so far from the truth, it is stretched beyond the molecular limits!Not all points of view or opinions are worthy of respect. I don't respect the point of view that babies can be sucked out of their mother's wombs into a sink, simply because the woman's boyfriend isn't interested; I don't respect the point of view of folks who think America should have no borders and no sovereignty; I don't respect the point of view of those who think any retreat from their religion earns a death penalty; I don't respect the point of view of people who believe that bio-parents who are addicted and abusive should be given chance after chance to straighten out, while their children are left to languish in foster care instead of being adopted by a healthy loving family; I don't respect the point of view of single women, by choice, thinking they are equivalent to a mom and a dad, married and in love. Those are just a few of my favorite "no respect" things. A few weeks back I got into a bit of a row with an acquaintance who had attended the same charity function as I, during which a recipient of an award behaved in a graceless and rude manner because she was at political odds with the host. I mentioned the event in passing and he seemed to be apologetic to her. That revved my engines and we...mostly I...got into it. He is the executor of a large company that makes huge charitable donations. He said that he gives to Pro-Life and Planned Parenthood. He doesn't take sides. Oh, oh - that lit my fire.I told him I thought that was immoral - that he had a responsibility to give financial support to those institutions he valued. He said, "I respect your point of view." I said, "No, you don't and I don't respect yours."Needless to say, he looked surprised. I continued, "You can't possibly respect my position and continue with yours. You don't like confrontation or controversy and therefore you won't take a moral stand. Your goal is to 'feel good' by 'making everyone happy and having them all like you.' I think you're mostly motivated by that, and I see it as a kind of cowardice. I don't respect that. But, I do understand it and you have the right to it."Yeah, I know - that was pretty strong. I did keep my voice low and demeanor as pleasant as possible. And, I hugged him at the end of it and said something about still being "colleagues."I believe, frankly, that our culture and country are at risk because people standing for values are labeled "phobic," and those who believe that America is special are called intolerant.This issue came up on air during a recent call where the caller, like too many folks, was hesitant and intimidated out of stating and standing for her beliefs by her own need to be "nicey nice." Average, decent folk are being scared out of fighting back when confronted by bad or evil.In response to that call, and my comments, Karen Ahmadi emailed: "Your comment today about not having to 'respect' others' views, but to be courteous and polite, was right on. It perfectly fit with the outstanding article I read at Townhall.com by Greg Koukl on '
The Intolerance of Tolerance
.' Greg phrases it that we should be 'egalitarian towards people,' but 'elitist toward ideas.' The article does a great job at pointing out the logical and philosophical fallacies of the 'tolerance' position and agenda."I will never say that I respect a person's incorrect viewpoint, but will always seek to be polite and respectful towards the person expressing it."Thanks for speaking truth about the 'Tolerance Emperor' having no clothes!!!"Friends, we've got people coming to America, flying airplanes into our buildings, and planning dirty bomb attacks to kill all Infidels (non-Muslims) and our form of government. When caught, they use the very institutions they're trying to destroy (democracy and our justice system which presumes innocence) to get away with it.A little salt in soup is good, too much is bad. Be careful what you say you respect and what you tolerate.
|Tags: Morals, Ethics, Values, Values
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WHAT MATTERS MOST
By Cheryl Gochnauer
Like every Tuesday morning, little kids were tossing a football around our front yard, waiting for the school bus to rumble up the street. Like every Tuesday morning, I smiled at them from behind the glass storm door, then turned toward the TV, clicked the remote, and caught the news.
The second plane hit the World Trade Center.
"Carrie, come here!" I yelled out the front door to my 3rd grader, making her miss the pass.
"Wow!" she said, watching the instant replay. Then, "Can I go play?"
Man - I wish I could go play. Instead, I'm transfixed in front of the TV, watching the rescue efforts, praying for the missing. My girls seem to be okay. Carrie did ask to sleep with me that night, but since then has been busy planning her birthday party. Her 8th-grade sister, Karen, is studying American History. "That book will have a new cover next year," I remarked. "It'll be a picture of the World Trade Center imploding."
We lost more people Tuesday than from Pearl Harbor (2200), D-Day (1500) and the Titanic (1500), combined. It's staggering.
So is the response of Americans. I'm a political news junkie, and my stomach has been tied in knots more times than I can count over the past couple of years. Through impeachment, the election and the erosion of religious rights, I've shaken my head, convinced our country was headed for moral meltdown.
Then came Tuesday.
Amazingly, America leapt up, grabbed her flags and her Bibles and ran to help. Monday, we bickered about taxes and rebates. Tuesday, we flooded New York and Washington with volunteers, money and supplies. Politicians held hands and sang "God bless America" on the Capitol steps. There was an unexpected union of church and state, and our country was better for it.
A sad silver lining, I know. But a silver lining none the less.
Each of us are now making our way through the stages of grief (defined by Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross as denial and isolation, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance). We've all been jolted; we all understand how fragile life is, and how precious.
Those who read this newsletter every week and visit the website and message boards do so because you love your families, and want to spend as much time with them as possible. Tuesday's events sharpen our resolve to live our lives in such a way that there will be no regrets. As we help others through this tragedy, let's also take this as a universal wake-up call.
Don't put off until tomorrow what you can do today. If your heart is calling you home, act. Pay off those bills; put away the charge cards. Bypass anything standing between you and your kids. Those who scoffed at your desire to be an at-home parent last Monday will support you today. As the phone calls from the towers reflected, family is what matters most.
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where you can post messages about the attacks on a special discussion board. Copyright2001 Homebodies.Org, LLC. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com.)
|Tags: Adult Child-Parent, Character, Courage, Conscience, Character-Courage-Conscience, Family/Relationships - Adult Child/Parent, Morals, Ethics, Values, Read On-Air, Values
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