Spoiling Children: The Eight Myths By Chick Moorman and Thomas Haller Myth #1 You will spoil your baby if you handle her too much. You should let her cry sometimes. Reality: You can not spoil a baby. Babies need to be touched, squeezed, coddled, and held. Babies cry because they are hungry, sick, wet, messy, or desire attention. Pick up your baby and hold her. Do it as often as you like. Myth #2 Kids should not grow up believing they can have anything they want. Reality: It is desirable and an example of effective parenting to teach children they can have anything they want. They may have to work for it though. And they may not get it at this moment. When you are shopping and your child asks, #147;Can I have one of those?#148; respond with, #147;Sure, how are you going to pay for it?#148; or #147;What are you willing to do to get it?#148; Ask, #147;How much money do you have?#146; or #147;#148;Do you have a plan for getting it?#148; Our job as parents is to help our children learn they can have whatever they want if they are willing to work for it. During the process of figuring out how to get whatever it is they desire, they may learn about problem-solving, planning, setting priorities, and goal achievement. They may even come to see themselves as being able to create what they want in their own lives. That is about as far from being spoiled as you can get. We call this phenomena self-responsibility. Myth #3 Spoiled children exist. Reality: There is no such thing as a spoiled child. Spoiled is an inference, a judgment that people make after noticing behaviors. Are there children who act as if they are entitled? Yes. Are there children who whine until the parents cave in? Yes. Are there children who pout if they don#146;t get their way? Yes. Are there children who seem unappreciative of small gifts? Yes. Does that make them spoiled? NO. It makes them children who have learned or are trying out new behaviors in an attempt to get what they want. Children who do the behaviors in the paragraph above are not spoiled. They are children who are choosing inappropriate behaviors, behaviors that need to be redirected, that need to be replaced with other choices. These are children that need to be taught more effective ways of interacting, of asking for what they want, of expressing their feelings. Myth #4: Spoiled is a good descriptor of some children. Reality: Spoiled is never an accurate descriptor of children. Spoiled does not describe a behavior. It judges it. Do not label children as spoiled. Not aloud, nor in your head. When you label children as spoiled you tend to believe they are spoiled. When you believe they are spoiled you are more likely to notice anything they do that could be interpreted as spoiled. When you see things that can be interpreted as spoiled you prove your belief to yourself that the child is indeed spoiled. Your belief then becomes entrenched and you eventually communicate your belief to your child and she begins to see herself as spoiled. Myth #5 It#146;s important to tell children when they are acting spoiled and call them on it. Reality: Labeling children spoiled or telling they are acting spoiled in never a good parenting move. When you call a child spoiled what he likely hears is not #147;spoiled.#148; He is more likely to hear #147;spoiled rotten.#148; Do you want your child thinking of himself as spoiled rotten? When you notice yourself thinking a child is spoiled, ask yourself, #147;What is the behavior he is doing that I am judging as spoiled?#148; Then communicate a description of that behavior along with any other helpful information you need to share. #147;Jenny, I see you sitting with your head down and a frown on your face. Would you like to tell me about that?#148; #147;Chico, that sounds like whining. Whining doesn#146;t work with me. Your best hope of getting what you want is to tell me in a normal voice and explain what you are willing to do to help get it.#148; #147;Roland, I noticed you paid little attention to grandma#146;s gift and shared no words of appreciation. Is there some way you could honor her giving even if you didn#146;t like the gift?#148; Myth #6: Children who have an abundance of material things are likely to be spoiled. Not true. A friend of ours recently bought a horse for his two young boys. A close friend of his, hearing of the purchase said, #147;There you go again spoiling your children.#148; Is it spoiling the children if they contribute to the purchase price, clean stalls, and play a role in feeding and grooming the horse? Is it spoiling them if they learn lessons about safety around large animals, bond with another of God#146;s creatures, and learn about the self-discipline it takes to become an accomplished rider? Is it spoiling them if they connect with their father working side by side in the barn, sweating, laughing, and learning about each other? Whether a child has a 10 speed bicycle, a horse, or a convertible is not an indication of whether or not she is spoiled. Look instead to how the material object was obtained, how it is used, and to the child#146;s attitude about it. That will give you more information about #147;spoiled#148; than the amount of material things she has. Myth #7: Spoiled children need to change No, parents need to change. Parents need to change their attitudes about spoiled children and see instead a child who is attempting to satisfy his needs with an ineffective behavior. They need to change their own behaviors and be willing to take the time to teach new behaviors to their children. They need to be willing to confront, deal with conflict, and take the time to do solution-seeking. Chick Moorman and Thomas Haller are the authors of The 10 Commitments: Parenting with Purpose . They also publish a FREE email newsletter for parents and another for educators. Subscribe to them when you visit, www.chickmoorman.com or www.thomashaller.com . Chick Moorman and Thomas Haller are two of the world#146;s foremost authorities on raising responsible, caring, confident children. For more information about how they can help you or your group meet your parenting needs, visit their websites today. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com More >>

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Keeping Growing Kids Safe from Negative Influences By Anne Leedom One thing all parents have in common is the awareness that kids grow up so fast. You really do blink and they have moved into another phase, another age and with it come a whole new set of attitudes, behaviors and potential dangers. I find it very comforting that I no longer have to worry about my babies succumbing to SIDS or choking. My house is no longer baby proofed. However, there is still a serious threat everyday of new and often more frightening dangers that threaten my kids. One of the most frightening aspects of these new dangers is that I won#146;t always be five feet away to protect them. I have spent years researching the many ways to keep my kids safe and help guide them to know on their own how to do the right thing. Here the most important factors I have discovered to increase their chances of staying safe through their growing years. Provide a sanctuary at home Giving your kids a home where they feel comfortable is one of the most important things you can do to keep your kids safe. Let them know they can have their friends over. Know the kids your kids are hanging out with. Don#146;t worry about everything being perfect. One wise father I know puts together a wonderful party at his house for his kids during school dances. He gives his kids a place to come to with their friends where they can have a great time and not feel like they have to be in a place that might not be in their best interest. Be a positive role model One of the primary needs all human beings have is that of belonging. Give your kids a sense they are part of a family, whatever your family set up might be, that they feel proud of. Let them see you living a life you are happy and proud of. It#146;s a natural magnet. Kids really do want to be around their parents if their parents are happy and productive and excited about life. The best gift you can give your kids is to include them in a world where they feel blessed and life is good. Keep communication lines open One of my favorite times growing up was sitting in the kitchen talking with my mother while she made dinner. This didn#146;t happen every night, but it did provide a frequent and relaxed environment to discuss the day and what happened to both of us. The key element that kept communication flowing is that she shared things with me as much as she wanted me to share with her. It was a two way, respectful relationship where we both felt valued. This made it very easy to come to her with more difficult issues as they arose. Make sure your kids feel treasured There is a big difference between feeling loved and feeling treasured. When kids feel treasured and special they understand more deeply how much they hurt others by making poor decisions. Take a moment each day to write your child a note, put a flower in your daughter#146;s room, and spend some one on one time with them. Small, creative gestures build a special feeling in kids that they are truly valued. This not only builds self-esteem, but it also builds a sense of self-protectiveness in your child. When they feel connected to others who care about them, they are far less likely to place themselves in harms way. So ask yourself if your child FEELS loved, not just if you love your child. Connect your child to the world As kids grow they need to feel they are part of a bigger world than just their immediate family. Sheltering our kids too much sets them up for poor relationship choices. Involve them in outside groups and with other families YOU feel are in their best interest. By controlling initially where they spend their time outside of home, you will go a long way toward giving them healthy and safe alternatives. Be constantly aware of changes in your child The most attentive and involved parents may still find themselves facing challenges with their kids and the negative influences that confront kids everyday. One of the best tools to keep your kids safe is to be aware of changes in their behavior and or attitude that could signal that something is wrong. Signs of withdrawal or hostility and be normal as kids naturally become more independent. Be on the lookout for extremes or unusual and unexplained changes and be insistent on knowing what#146;s happening with your child. Don#146;t let them brush you off. By being consistent without being too invasive you can maintain a pulse for your child#146;s inner world and be a life saving device if needed. Anne Leedom is the Founder and Editor-in-Chief of www.parentingbookmark.com and a contributing editor to www.tadpole.com . She has been quoted in national print including Parents, Redbook and Nick Jr. Magazines and has been a guest on National Public Radio Affiliate WHWC on the show "Mental Health Today with Dr. Minette Ponick." Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com More >>

Worried about Toddlerhood? Don#146;t. Just Let Them Play! By Jodie Lynn www.ParentToParent.com Just Let Them Play! Parents can get pretty busy and our relationships with our kids, spouse and ourselves can be extremely strained leading to an unhappy mom. Our world is a whirlwind filled with schedules and constant deadlines. Make sure you are taking time out for a simple but important pleasure with your kids: PLAYING. This doesn't mean you have to always entertain them, even have company over for them everyday, or even sign them up for every single activity possible to enrich their whole being of a "perfect child." Take a breather here and there to monitor their playtime and implement unscheduled time for them to just be a "kid" #133;for you to just be a mom and for good old dad to just be a "kid" -- er, a dad. Playing With Others If you are wondering if it#146;s OK for your child to be perfectly happy playing with play dough by herself, don#146;t fret. It#146;s not a big deal. In fact, it#146;s perfectly normal to stand back and watch others interact. Most toddlers aren#146;t into social behavior until the age of two or three. Check out this handy checklist and relax. (Birth to age 15 months) - Repetition play helps the child to learn about her world. Dropping an object is one of the most common games. Even a six-month old will drop something and watch to see if someone will pick it up. If it does get picked up, it delivers pure delight when she gets to drop it over and over until someone stops picking it up. While it may drive many of us nuts, it is an excellent way to help the child gain control over her immediate environment while mastering a new skill. (Age 15 months to 2 years) - Observing others but not participating is often referred to as the onlooker stage. This is common among all children. Playing by themselves is called solitary play. Here they just play by themselves. While older kids do this as well, it is not as popular as actually engaging in activities unless the child is reserved (which most parents refer to as being "shy.") Whether observing or playing, both help the child learn how to get along with others, building social skills while exposing them to language. Kids do not have to be a perfect little social butterfly -- and neither you nor your husband needs to feel stressed if they want to be alone. (Ages 2 to 3 years) - Most older toddlers play side by side but are not really playing. This is called parallel play. There may not be any real interaction but it still provides a perfect chance to begin learning what belongs to whom...but mostly "mine." As they watch others and maybe dress up while pretending to pour and serve a drink, milk of course, they are experiencing their first taste to role-playing. All of this helps develop gross motor skills as well as some fine motor skills. So, relax, mom and dad, she will come around when ready. (Ages 4 to 4 1/2 years) - This age group displays very unstructured organized play called associative play. An example of this would be when children are all sharing a box of action figures, but may all be playing different things with their own figures. Another example would be where children decide to play with a common aspiration in mind, like entertaining each other by singing a song for a pretend audience. The more interaction children have with other children, the better understood the rules of getting along would become. Playing with others teaches how to share, encourages language and the introduction of being fair. This age group can become quite creative and gain great self-esteem (especially if parents let go of the perfect child syndrome) and play right along the side of your bouncing rolling and free to be me kiddo. (Age 5 and up) - Here is when things begin to turn into clear competition. While younger children often feel frustrated with rules of winning, the positive side is that games and rules offer the chance to build character and choose friends. As they grow older, they will enjoy being part of a group (some like large groups while others prefer small groups) which will help them become aware of different children and different ideas. This is especially a fun time for dad who often times acts like a big kid himself and children love it! All in all, if your child is not into other kids, don#145;t push too hard. She will come around when she is ready. For now, give her the space she may need to become more independent while still being there when she needs you. copy; 2007 Jodie Lynn Jodie Lynn is an award-winning internationally syndicated family/health columnist and radio personality. ParentToParent.com is now going into its tenth year and appears in newspapers, magazines, newsletters and throughout the Internet. She is a regular contributor to many sites including eDiets.com and is the Mom to Mom Expert for BabyCenter.com. She has written two books and contributed to two others, one of which was on Oprah and has appeared on NBC in a three month parenting segment. Her latest best-selling parenting/family book is Mommy CEO, revised edition . Preorder Lynn's new book, "Mom CEO: Avoiding the Distressed Housewife Syndrome and Winning at Motherhood," online or from any bookstore. 2007 Permission granted for use by Dr. Laura. More >>

Parent Summertime Sanity Savers: Nine Simple Ways to Help the Kiddies Get Along, Curb their Bickering, Cut the Tattling and Still Have Fun at Your House Michele Borba, Ed.D. Summer#146;s here and the neighborhood kids have chosen your home as the #147;cool#148; place to hang out. Great, eh? After all, friends do play a big part of our kids#146; happiness and well-being, and one of the best ways to instill happy home memories (as well as keep an eye-out for who your child is hanging around) is by making your house #147;kid friendly.#148; But you know the reality: Whenever kids get together, blissful, happy times are not always the outcome. Those giggles and gleeful sounds of merriment we all hope for, all too quickly turn into those unnerving noises of yelling, tattling, and arguing. Ah the squelched dreams of a blissful summer spent with the kids. If you#146;re at your wits end from hearing kid-battles and are tired of refereeing or playing #147;negotiator,#148; have faith. There really is a way to curb kid bickering, tattling, and tears, and save your sanity. You really need to do two things to make the summertime fun for both the kids and you. The first is to take a little time to plan how to make your house kid friendly and the second is teach kids a few skills that will help them get along and reduce the bickering. Here are a few tips from my book, Nobody Likes Me, Everybody Hates Me (April 2005, Wiley) that might help you survive these hot summer months, but also teach your kids how to get along, tattle less, and solve their problems without you. The result: happier kids, more peaceful homes, and a saner you. What could be better? Enforce a #147;No Tattling#148; rule. What kid wants to be around a pal who always wants to snitch? Arguments and tears are inevitable outcomes, so nix tattling, pronto. The best way to extinguish it is to lay down one law in your home: unless the report is intended to keep the accused out of trouble or harm you won#146;t listen. The rule could be as simple as: #147;Is this helpful or unhelpful news?#148; And then consistently enforce the policy every time your kid #150; or his friends -- tattles. Buy an egg timer. A frequent reason for bickering is when one kid dominates others or doesn#146;t allow the same time on a task. So teach your kids to use an egg timer (or other concrete time keeper) to make things fair. Oven timers, egg timers, sand timers are great gadgets for younger kids to use. Older kids can use clocks or stopwatches. They first must agree on a set amount of time#151;usually only a few minutes#151;for using an item. When the time#146;s up, their turn is over. And everyone stays happy (including you). Put away the good stuff. There are certain possessions that are very special to your child#151;as well as to other family members. So put those items away before a guest arrives. It actually minimizes potential conflicts. Then say, #147;Anything you leave out are things you have to share.#148; Teach decision-makers. Rock, paper, scissors; drawing straws; picking a number; flipping a coin#151;these are old-time favorites that come in handy when kids can#146;t decide on rules, who gets to choose what to do, or who goes first. Teach them to your children so they can use them with their pals to help reduce those squabbles on their own. Create activity bins. To minimize conflicts (and those #147;there#146;s nothing to do#148; complaints), create a few #147;activity bins#148; (baskets, boxes, or plastic bins) stocked with a few toys and age-appropriate activities. Contents for younger kids might include: Legos, Play-Doh, or clay and cookie cutters, bubble blowers, toy cars or dolls. Older kids#146; bins can have art supplies and paper, a craft set, and a pack of cards. These are great to help kids unwind or give them quieter play moments even away from one another. You might also want to have tucked away for those #147;just-in-case-when all else fails#148; parental sanity savers such a brand new video, coloring or comic books. Plop the kids down, hand them a comic book, and give yourself a five-minute breather. Call for time-outs. Even a few seconds can be enough to stop a big quarrel, so help your child come up with a few things he can say to back off from an argument ready to blow. #147;You know I#146;m too mad to talk right now.#148; #147;Give me a minute to cool off,#148; #147;I need to take a walk,#148; or #147;Let#146;s go shoot some hoops.#148; Then help him practice the phrase so he can use it with friends. Forget odd numbers. There#146;s truth to that old saying: #147;Two#146;s company, but three#146;s a crowd.#148; An even number of kids playing together usually is better than an odd number, simply because there#146;s less likelihood that one kid will be left out. So if bickering continues with certain kid combinations, set a rule for #147;pairs#148; only#151;and refrain from a three-some. Teach conflict solving. Of course, the best way to stop kids from arguing is to teach them how to solve problems themselves. Just don#146;t make the mistake of assuming your kids know how to do so. Here are the four steps to conflict solving you can teach your child: 1. Stop and calm down. You#146;ll never solve a problem when you#146;re upset, so take a time out until you#146;re in control. 2. Take turns saying what#146;s bugging you. No interrupting, name-calling, or blaming. 3. Brainstorm solutions then agree to a fair solution that feels best to both of you. 4. Do it. Now just keep reviewing those four steps over and over with your child until he can do them alone. Keep out of it. If you hear an argument brewing, stay within earshot, but jump in only when emotions are too high but before an argument escalates. A gentle reminder might be called for, such as a private, previously agreed-on signal (like tugging on your ear). With younger kids you might say, #147;I see two angry kids who need to cool down. You go to the other room, and you to the kitchen until the two of you can talk calmly and work things out.#148; Too much adult interference not only makes kids depend on you to solve their problems, but can actually escalate the squabble. Of course, if all else fails and there#146;s still no peace, buy yourself a traffic light and put it in your window. It#146;s exactly what one mom told me she finally resorted to doing to try to buy herself a few hours of peace. Her house had become #147;Grand Central Station#148; one summer, though she wasn#146;t complaining. She loved that her kids#146; friends were always at her home. It#146;s just that she didn#146;t appreciate kids showing up at the crack of dawn or three hours after the sun went down. Her solution: she set the traffic light in her front window and every kid in town knew the signal. If the red light was on it meant one thing: #147;We#146;re tucked in for the night and we#146;ll see you tomorrow.#148; The signal worked like a charm (and the mom swore that the green light was turned on most of the time). Michele Borba, Ed.D. is an internationally renowned educational consultant and award-winning author of 20 books including Nobody Likes Me, Everybody Hates Me; No More Misbehavin#146; , and Don#146;t Give Me That Attitude! , who is recognized for her practical, solution-based strategies to strengthen children#146;s behavior and social development. She appears on countless radio and NPR talk shows including, Today, The Early Show, Canada AM, The View, Fox Friends, MSNBC . She is an advisory board member for Parents magazine, a former classroom teacher, recipient of the National Educator Award , mom of three, and has presented workshops to over one million parents and teachers worldwide. For more about Dr. Borba#146;s work see: www.behaviormakeovers.com Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com More >>

The Stranger in Your Child's Life By Thomas Haller and Chick Moorman Authors of The Ten Commitments: Parenting with Purpose Would you let a stranger spend several hours with your child, communicating values, distracting them from homework, creating separation and distance from family? Even worse, would you let a stranger into your child's bedroom? "No way," you say? Well, you'd better look again. Because if you are like most parents, there is indeed a stranger who is influencing, guiding, directing, and enticing your child. And yes, some of these strangers are even in your child's bedroom. This stranger looks innocent enough at first glance, but has the potential to influence your child in ways you may not even suspect. The danger that is enticing your child is electronic media, and its presence is growing. Children in America now spend, on average, 6 frac12; hours a day exposed to electronic media. Their connection to this influence includes TV, computers, listening to music, playing video games, and other electronic devices. Two-thirds of children, according to a Kaiser Family Foundation report, now have a TV in their bedrooms. This doesn't account for the hand-held electronic devices many children carry with them wherever they go. Not alarmed yet? What about this? Children with TVs in their bedroom watch 90 minutes more a day than children without a TV in their room. They also do less reading and less homework. According to the facts, the more kids watch TV, the more likely they are to be overweight. Obesity in children is a national crisis. Turning a child's bedroom into a media arcade does not help your child one bit. Many parents say they care about what their children watch and listen to. Yet, children consistently report that their parents do not have any rules, create no conditions, and set no limits on the amount or type of media they use. Those who do create restrictions don't always enforce them. Children report that parents do not know what type of music they're listening to. Parents seldom check the rating on CDs or invest the time to check out the lyrics. They pay little attention to the elaborate TV rating scale and do not use it to make choices about appropriate viewing content for their children. Violent video games and glorified violence on TV spur aggression in children. While watching violence does not make someone violent, research shows that children who are exposed to more visual violence engage in more aggressive behaviors. Isn't that reason enough to set limits on a youngster's television viewing and video game habits? Allowing a TV in a child's bedroom or putting electronic media like Game Boys and cell phone video games into their hands is tantamount to putting the fox in the henhouse with the chickens while pretending the fox is of no danger. It is an example of child neglect at worst and gross misunderstanding on the part of parents at best. Electronic media in a child's life increases isolation. It creates an environment in which the child can stay disconnected from family members. It severely limits family interaction. TV, the internet, and video games are creating an emotional gap between parent and child. What possible reason is there for a child to carry a video game with him wherever he goes, or for a parent to make a child's bedroom so attractive and so media friendly that she wants to spend most of her time there by herself? What about family solidarity? What about creating feelings of belonging by doing things together? Yes, children need privacy. Yes, they need some solitude and some time away from us. But do they need 6 frac12; hours a day of "plug-in" contact? Recently, while attending a soccer registration day, we heard a mother comment about her son, "I don't know why I bother to bring anything else for him to do. All he does is play that Game Boy." Sitting next to her was a child oblivious to the world around him. He was so engrossed in his video game that he was unaware of the rest of the world. And yet the mother went on to say, "The good thing about it is it keeps him busy and I don't have to worry about him getting into things." Do you really want your child playing video games that glorify violence and numb him to real life events? A recent study revealed that 65 percent of seventh- through twelfth- graders played the controversial video game Grand Theft Auto. This game, rated for mature audiences, is loaded with larceny and violence. It shows the killing of police officers and the beating of prostitutes. Is this the way you want your child to learn what it means to be a responsible, caring, cooperative adult? What about the strangers who are teaching your child through their appearance on television? Is TV really where you want your children to learn about values, attitudes, behaviors? Do you like the messages they get from soap operas? Do you want them exposed to beer commercials? Is the television really the best forum to teach your children about dating, intimacy, and sexuality? How do you feel about using sex to sell products? Have you seen any television talk shows lately? Is their model of disagreeing, which includes interrupting one another, increasing the volume, and not listening to the other's point of view the way you want your children to handle disagreements? What about the computer? Who are your children talking to in chat rooms? What sites do they visit? Are they being bullied or talked to with inappropriate language? Are they bullying others? Do you know? Are you sure? What are American parents thinking? What possible reason could there be for putting a TV or X-box in a child's bedroom or within easy access? Does the child have so many things that this is all that the parent can come up with for a birthday present? Do the parents dislike being with the child so much that they want to purposefully isolate the youngster? Or are the adults simply so busy with their own lives that they don't have time for their children? The frenzy to connect to electronic media has created the Great Family Disconnect of our time. Don't parents realize that 6 frac12; hours a day of being plugged into media leaves children little time to plug into their family? Do the parents like it that way? Is family dialogue of such little value that it can be squeezed in between headphones and email? Has Monopoly, checkers, shooting baskets, skipping rope, and bike-riding together become obsolete? Do parents like that? In 63 percent of homes a television is on during mealtimes. Is it too much to ask family members to take a 20-minute break from media noise to share a quiet dinner with meaningful conversation? Or would you miss your favorite program? Couldn't our children become our favorite program for part of the evening? The Great Family Disconnect is increasing in direct proportion to the degree of connection of our children to their favorite electronic device. TV, computers, and video games have become the plug-in drugs of our times. They are creating family distance, isolation, and a decrease in feelings of belonging and connectedness. The stranger enticing your children needs to be unplugged, kicked out of their bedroom, and sent packing immediately. This is your home, not his. This is your family, not his. Take back the influence this stranger has usurped in your family. Commit to being the parent you always wanted to be. Establish guidelines. Set limits. Enforce those limits. Do it consistently. Implement consequences if needed. Disconnect from the Great Family Disconnect. Flip the switch. Bring prime time back to your family. Chick Moorman and Thomas Haller are the authors of The 10 Commitments: Parenting with Purpose (available from Personal Power Press at toll-free 877-360-1477, amazon.com, and bookstores everywhere). They also publish a FREE email newsletter for parents. Subscribe to it at ipp57@aol.com . Visit www.chickmoorman.com , www.thomashaller.com , and www.10commitments.net . Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com More >>

Kid Camp Paradise By Bob Schwartz When I saw my son with the brochure advertising for the summer camp devoted strictly to skateboarding and cartoon drawing, well I knew this wasn't exactly the camp of my youth. Times have changed since I attended those generic multi-activity camps. Camps where I had to endure my inept lanyard-making ability (one time I almost tied off circulation in two of my fingers with my less than brilliant braiding), before engaging in the thrill of water balloon scooter dodgeball. In sending our first child to camp, we did find a general all-around sleepover one. When camp day arrived, I had the normal trepidation as my wife and I dropped him off with what seemed to be enough supplies to comfortably survive twelve years alone in the wilderness, while also having the capability to change clothing six times a day and never run out of T-shirts and shorts. As we waved goodbye, I tried to convince myself that he'd write us many enlightening and lengthy letters detailing his superb camp experiences. But, deep down, I knew that was as likely as a bar of soap actually making physical contact with his body at any point over the subsequent two weeks. As for mail, I just couldn#146;t quite foresee that he#146;d be saying to his bunkmates, "Hey, you guys go ahead and have your ice cream and start playing mud volleyball without me. I'm just going to stay inside here and finish up this five-page letter to my folks while I review my daily journal notes, and then do a quick spelling check.#148; The first week passed without a single word from our camper. The mailman ultimately learned to put a rubber band around our mail, sprint past the house, and swiftly toss it toward our front door. This way he avoided being the recurring tackling dummy for an overly anxious information-starved parent, namely me, who desperately needed a camp letter of some kind. As camp progressed into the second week, I wondered if our son had now completely forgotten us or had simply lost all of his seventy-two stamped and addressed envelopes with which we#146;d diligently equipped him. I thought that maybe we should have sent him with pre-made post cards that could be completed by simply checking the appropriate boxes: Having lots of fun. I guess it beats school. Get me the heck outta here! I miss everybody back home. See you soon. What was my brother's name again? The food is great! I#146;m surviving on PBJ. I#146;ve lost 10 pounds and my shorts don#146;t fit! Love and kisses. Signing off from your wild and crazy son. Adios from your tattoo boy. After what seemed like a decade, we did eventually receive a letter and were pleased to learn the following: He did indeed remember he had parents and two younger siblings. The sole reason, apparently, that he finally wrote us was to request that we, as quickly as possible, forward him his latest Nintendo Power magazine. He could still produce an almost legible four-syllable sentence that seemed, to me, to say: "Camp is a blast!" My more skeptical wife was left wondering if it were instead some new secret code actually reading "Damp in a mast!" Certainly not a letter with as much detail as the U.S. Tax Code , but it was all we needed to know. We did thereafter receive a picture of him along with a short, but revealing, note from his counselor. The photo showed our son with a fairly dirty T-shirt, worn inside out and backward, and sporting his shoes untied with no socks on. His hair clearly had not been introduced to his comb for the prior eight days, and chocolate cookie remnants surrounded his smiling mouth as he hammed it up for the camera. He appeared to be having the time of his life, which was indeed confirmed by his counselor's letter stating, "I've yet to meet a warm-blooded mammal of any age that enjoys things so much!#148; We finally picked him up after fourteen long days for us and two weeks that zipped by at warp speed for him. We promptly learned about the inherent joy in having your bathing suit pulled off by a thunderous waterskiing wipeout; in addition he confirmed that he could actually eat sixteen #147;S'mores#148; without throwing up; he also admitted that he#146;d lost his toothbrush sometime in the first few days and that he#146;d learned some great Australian slang terms from his counselor. He also casually advised us of his gigantic bullfrog named Big Bertha traveling home in his duffel bag, and asked whether we could change the upstairs bathtub into a terrarium for her. But seeing him interrupt his little brother in mid-sentence with a genuinely affectionate bear hug, reaffirmed to us that despite the constant barrage of head noogies and obligatory older brother insults at home, he did truly miss him. We also learned that our son could survive quite happily, for a time, without us. Which to a parent is both the most rewarding and frightening lesson of all. But that is indeed what camp experiences are partially about. Of course that and his proudly wearing the ribbons for winning the OutKast karaoke contest and coming in a close third in the highly challenging Cup - the - Hand - Under - the #150; Armpit- and #150; Generate - Noise competition. So proud. Bob Schwartz is a syndicated humor writer whose essays have appeared in over 150 magazines and newspapers. Bob authored the popular humorous book on running, I Run, Therefore I Am #150; NUTS! His latest book is a hysterical look at parenting (Would Somebody Please Send Me to My Room!). He can be reached at bob@schwartzhumor.com and www.schwartzhumor.com . Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com. More >>

Appreciation for Dads Jodie Lynn www.ParentToParent.com What happens to families, specifically to the kids, when there is not much interaction with the dad in the family? They go looking for someone to provide them with the discipline, conversation, fun, approval and love that they see other kids getting. Sometimes, even if we know these facts, we still have a tendency to forget how crucial Dads are and assume that they are either not interested or don't care. That is why it is so important to invite fathers to participate more in the lives of their children by sharing a few things here and there--but don't overwhelm him with long lists of facts. Then, let them try their hand at things while we keep our thoughts to ourselves. Allow Dad to solve perplexing situations on his own Everyone, including your mother's brother's best friend, has parenting advice to share. That is okay; just take it with a grain of salt. Nevertheless, when it comes to sharing all of this advice with Dad, unless there is a safety issue, allow him to come up with his own way of solving a challenge. For example, if he is trying to comfort an upset toddler, and you come up and show him what works best, he might feel like you are criticizing his technique. The next time the toddler cries or throws a temper tantrum, he will remember this and may be less willing to help. Provide Dad time to be alone with the kids Fathers need to learn how to deal with the kids on their own. Find a time to be out of the house for a few hours and let Dad be by himself with the kids. If you are dying to leave a random list of favorite activities, don't. Unless Dad specifically asks for some suggestions, let him figure out his own schedule. Dads can come up with some pretty off-the-wall things that we would never think of that for some reason kids seem to love. Let Dad feel important If there is something that the kids love to do with Dad, let it be their special time. For example, if baby will not eat peas and squash for you but will for Dad, save that time for him. Maybe baby loves it when Dad acts like a choo-choo train when he puts the spoon in baby's mouth. That's great; let that be Dad's special technique and you stick with your own. Tell him how incredible and amazing you think this is and tell everyone else: relatives, friends, and neighbors, anyone who might mention it to him. This offers a surge in self-confidence for Dad and will encourage more interaction between him and baby. In the long run, this is how memories are made. Something as simple as feeding time. There are a lot of devoted Dads out there but they just are not sure what it is that will work best with kids. They need to know that in many instances, it won't matter if everything he does is the same way you do it or even that it may not have the same outcome. Sometimes, Dads will do anything and everything possible to avoid taking care of the kids. However, if you allow him to build his own personal relationship with them, he might opt to engage more often. Just like anyone else, Dads just want to be appreciated. copy; 2005 Jodie Lynn Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com. Jodie Lynn is an award-winning internationally syndicated family/health columnist and radio personality. Parent to Parent is now going into its tenth year and appears in newspapers, magazines, newsletters and throughout the Internet. She is a regular contributor to many sites including eDiets.com and is the Mom to Mom Expert for BabyCenter.com and has a regular family segment on four radio programs, one of which is syndicated to over 20 stations. She has written two books and contributed to two others, one of which was on Oprah and has appeared on NBC in a three month parenting segment. Her latest best-selling parenting/family book is Mommy CEO, revised edition . Preorder Lynn's new book, "Mom CEO: Avoiding the Distressed Housewife Syndrome and Winning at Motherhood," online or from any bookstore. More >>

Are You Assertive or Aggressive? By JoJo Tabares Do you have something to say but are afraid it won't be taken well? Would you like to present a different opinion, but are you afraid to rock the boat? Some people think assertiveness and aggressiveness are interchangeable. Others think they're being assertive, when in fact they're being rude. According to Webster's Dictionary, aggressive means "easily provoked to fight". Assertive means "affirming confidently". In practical terms, being assertive means that you appear self-assured and being aggressive communicates an arrogant and angry attitude. Skillful assertiveness goes hand in hand with a person's confidence, leadership and overall effectiveness. Leaders can use assertiveness to reduce confusion and inefficiencies caused by misunderstandings and crossed wires by being clear when communicating goals/ideas and by motivating others to get behind their ideas. Being assertive with your friends, family and business associates can result in an improved self-image, increased happiness and more success! So why isn't everyone assertive? People report that they are afraid to come off as aggressive or simply lack the confidence needed to be a bit bold. God gives each one of us something to say and here are some tips that can help: Ask yourself if you are sharing this information as an exchange of ideas, to get further a cause you really believe in or just to make yourself look good. If there is no other purpose in being assertive other than to put someone else down, then as your mother always taught you: if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all! Sometimes it is simply our perception of what will happen if we speak our mind that is based on fear and not grounded in reality. If you simply state your beliefs calmly and clearly with honesty and sincerity, most people will understand. Know your audience and tailor your communication to the beliefs of the group you are addressing, especially if you are talking about a sensitive issue like religion or politics. If you are talking to a group of Republicans, you could be a bit more bold in making your case for the Republican candidate than you could be if you were speaking to a group who were predominantly Democrats. If you are talking to a group of people who don't share your beliefs, preface your statements by saying something like..."I believe..." instead of "Everyone knows...". One is giving your honest opinion and could be backed up with facts and examples while the other is accusatory and aggressive in nature. Substitute empty nodding and smiling that might be more comfortable but may be interpreted as agreement with the other side with a statement like "I see it another way...". This statement will be seen as an honest disagreement that may spark a discussion. Don't say "You're WRONG!" because everything after these words will fall on deaf ears! Maybe even yours because you will most likely be inundated with loud and heated debate material! If something seems a bit too far fetched, ask the speaker to clarify his statements. "I am not sure exactly what you mean." This is a request for more information for the purpose of further understanding. As the person explains his view, you may find that you don't agree or you may find that you now understand more where he is coming from. The more you know about a person's views, the better prepared you will be to assert yours. Don't exaggerate! "You always do this!." will put the listener on the defensive because he feels as if he has been attacked. Be clear and specific, say something like "I need the item by Friday at noon." instead of "I need that ASAP!". Never assume! Ask questions. Confirm details. Some people will hear a demand and be too afraid to cross the other person so they will not let on that they can't have the product to you by Saturday. Tell them that you need it by Saturday and ask if they can deliver it by then. When you make arrangements with a someone, confirm the date, time and any other details to make sure you both have it clear what each is expecting. Sometimes errors are caught in confirmation that would have lead to a miscommunication too late to remedy the situation. Mary says "I'll see you at 12pm on Friday for lunch" but Susan heard 2pm on Friday. Or perhaps Mary said 12pm but meant 2pm. When you confirm the details, both parties get a chance to clarify the details. JoJo Tabares holds a degree in Speech Communication and has over 20 years of experience in the field. She is the author of the Say What You Mean series of studies on effective communication skills. If you would like more information on how to effectively communicate in small business, please visit http://www.artofeloquence.com . Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com. More >>

Communicating Awareness for Safety By JoJo Tabares There is a knock at the door and your teenager opens it to find a young man standing there asking if the old car that is parked in your driveway is for sale. Your son is home alone for an hour when the phone rings and on the other end is a wrong number. You and your young children are walking in a parking lot at night when you hear footsteps behind you... Each of these scenarios can lead to disaster, but there are some things you can do and say that will communicate to a thief that you or your children are not worth the trouble. Criminals are generally a pretty lazy bunch or they would go out and work for their money like the rest of us! They usually pick on people they think are weak, unaware or easy prey because they don't want to chance getting caught or hurt. They usually rely on the element of surprise to catch their victims off guard in order that they will be unprepared. This is their greatest asset. Knowing this is YOUR greatest weapon against them. The way you walk and how you answer the phone/door communicates how aware and savvy you are. The idea is not to give the bad guy any more information than he already has and to show that you are fully aware of all that is going on in your surroundings. If you do that, the likelihood is that Mr. Criminal will choose another victim. Tips for communicating awareness at the door: Children should avoid answering the door if at all possible-even teenagers. This makes it appear that an adult is not at home and can give the visitor the upper hand whether it is true or not. Children are not as ready or able to deal with people they don't know and can get flustered in situations that are unfamiliar with. What is your 14 year old going to say to this man asking about your old car? Always look through the peephole or window before opening the door. If it is a stranger, size him up. Is he carrying a clipboard? Is he wearing a uniform of some sort? Does he look menacing to you. Use your intuition and common sense. Never give out any more information that the visitor already has.He knows your address, your car and now he knows what you look like. Don't give him any more information that he can use against you. If you tell them that you still use the car for work, he now knows how to tell when you are not at home. Do not tell him how many people live in the house because then he knows how many to watch out for. Do not tell him who the car belongs to... "Oh that car is my brothers, but he is away at college." Now he knows that you have a brother and that the car is probably not used. It is amazing what information you can give this man just by answering his questions. And NEVER admit that you are alone or even who is not at home. "My brother isn't home right now, but I can have him call you if he wants to sell it." Do you see all you have told him? Many years ago, I was asked this very question about my car that I drove to college and back in. I inadvertently gave him all the information he needed to be able to tell when the house was empty. He had been watching our house for weeks and then broke in when the last person had left that day. My mother happened to forget something and found him in the house! Thankfully this man found a safe route out of the house and didn't stop to hurt my mother. Just because someone asks a question, doesn't mean that it's your obligation to answer!You can simply say that you are not selling it and close the door. If he continues to ask questions, it is perfectly within your rights not to answer. You can tell him that point blank or, if you prefer, you can simply say that you have to go now (have something on the stove, have to make a phone call, whatever). Be careful about letting strangers into your house.If you have an appointment with the air conditioning repair man-fine, but unexpected strangers are a different story. I make it a policy never to let unexpected strangers into my house. I don't feel comfortable letting a man that I don't know into the house when my husband is not at home. Even if a scheduled repair man is coming into my home, I do not allow my children to be in the same room alone with him. There was a story a few years back of a woman who let an unexpected repair man into her home and left her baby crawling around near him while she went to finish the dishes in the kitchen. He kidnapped the baby. Don't give a stranger the opportunity to hurt your family! Tips for communicating awareness on the phone: Children should not be allowed to answer the phone until they are trained in telephone safety. It is cute to have your 4 year old answer the phone when relatives call, but is your 4 year old savvy enough to avoid telephone safety pitfalls? Will she remember that you told her not to say that Daddy is on a business trip for two weeks? Never give out your family name or phone number to anyone you don't know. Caller: "Is Josh there?"You: "There is no Josh here. You have the wrong number."Caller: "What number did I dial?" Don't tell them what number they dialed. Ask them to tell you what number they wanted!You: "What number did you want?"Caller: "909-555-1212 Who is this?" Never give out this information!You: "I'm sorry. You have the wrong number." (And hang up-even if they don't.) Tips for communicating awareness when walking: Walk with confidence.Hold your head up and walk with purpose from place to place-especially at night. This communicates that you are strong and have a plan about where you are going. Walk with your keys in your hand.Preferably with the key between your fingers poised to use as a weapon if needed. This shows that you are ready to get into your car or house as soon as you get there. And it gives our villain a lot less time to do any mischief. Look around you.Notice what is around you at all times. This communicates that you are aware of your surroundings. It is much more difficult for Mr. Criminal to use the element of surprise to catch you off guard if you are aware of things that are going on around you. And it helps you to identify when you may be in danger so that you can take the necessary actions. Look under and all around your car as you approach before getting in.This tells our perpetrator that you are further aware. It also helps you identify any potential problems where you are headed and normally feel safe. Train your children to follow a command.If there is ever trouble afoot, you should have your children trained to follow a simple order you give that tells them to get into the car immediately. Have the older ones get in themselves as you put any babies or toddlers in carseats. Communicating awareness is essential for safety these days. It is imperative also that you train your children to be aware of their surroundings and to respond to a rehearsed command that you have in case the situation warrants. JoJo Tabares holds a degree in Speech Communication and has over 20 years of experience in the field. She is the author of the Say What You Mean series of studies on effective communication skills. For more information, please visit her website, Art of Eloquence at www.ArtofEloquence.com . Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com More >>