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Extra-CurricularActivities Can Pose Extra Stress on Families By Jody Johnston Pawel It is a common issue#133;we want our kids to spend their non-school timewisely, but they often watch more TV than then we would prefer. Inspite of activities to structure their time we have to look at otherways to keep kids busy so they are not caught in the TV trap. Parents are wise to limit kid's TV watching to a couple of hours eachday. It's a difficult limit to stick to, but if parents can establishthis habit early on, it's easier. Selective TV watching preventschildren (and adults) from turning into couch potatoes with witheredbrain cells. Many parents turn to activities to keep their kids busy. They oftenlive in their cars and have forgotten what their spouse looks like.Parents fall into the over-scheduling trap for variety of reasons. Thefirst motive is the healthiest and the last is the most damaging: Parents want their childrento use their time wisely, but accidentally take on too much. Children want to doeverything. Parents don't want to disappoint them or hear endlessnagging, so they let them. Parents keep children busyso they won't get into trouble, instead of teaching children how tomake planned responsible decisions to be "good" children. Some parents want theirchildren to experience every opportunity - all at once, which isoverwhelming. Now and then, parents expecttheir children to be super-achievers, whatever the cost. To determine whether your family'sschedule needs to be scaled back, ask, "Does my child want to do allthese activities or do I want them to?" When parents register childrenfor activities without asking children first, it's a huge red flag thatparents need to back off. If children want to do everything, think"moderation" and remember that responsible parents do not give childreneverything they want. The reality is that when anyone adds too many kettles to the fire, theyare bound to get burned out. Over-scheduling often affects children'sschoolwork, quality family time and increases the stress levels of thechildren and parents involved. The long term result of over-schedulingis a generation of stressed-out workaholics who don't know how to setpriorities, say "no," focus on one task, and have balance in theirlives. What? WE are part of a generation of stressed-out workaholics? Then we need to break the cycle.nbsp; Children need "down time" asmuch as adults do. They need time to play and just be a kid - eventeens. Will they get bored? Probably. But they need to learn how to usetheir imaginations to handle boredom creatively and responsibly. To regain control of your family life and reduce scheduling stress,establish a policy of two activities per season. Have children rotateseasonal activities or reach one goal, then strive for another. Also,families need time together when they aren't eating, driving ordiscussing schedules and life-changing issues. Weekly family time isone activity worth scheduling. Setting limits on activities teaches children important skills andvalues that benefit them as adults. They learn how to budget their timeand responsibilities and to handle disappointment. These children knowhow to set priorities and concentrate on doing their best at a fewchosen activities. Rarely are activities "once in a lifetime"opportunities. Usually, there is a time and season for every activity.We and our children just need to pace ourselves, instead of racing todo everything all at once. Jody Johnston Pawel is a Licensed Social Worker, Certified Family Life Educator, second-generation parent educator, founder of The Family Network , and President of Parents Toolshop Consulting . She is the author of 100+ parent education resources, including her award-winning book, The Parent's Toolshop . For 25+ years, Jody has trained parents and family professionals through her dynamic workshops and interviews with the media worldwide, including Parents and Working Mother magazines, and the Ident-a-Kid television series. Jody currently serves as the online parenting expert for Cox Ohio Publishing's mom-to-mom websites and also serves on the Advisory Board of the National Effective Parenting Initiative . Permissiongranted for use on DrLaura.com. More >>

Hey Mom, Need Some Help? By Annie Fox, M.Ed. www.anniefox.com Recently read a cautionary tale from Dear Abby. The letter writer was a martyr... ahem, a mother describing how her two adult daughters arrive for Thanksgiving each year expecting guest-treatment. For some mysterious reason, these "girls" never offer to help their mother with the annual banquet she produces for 20+ people. That is, not until Mom, frazzled and frustrated slumps to the kitchen floor in her gravy-stained apron and whimpers like a pathetic dog. At which point the princesses exchange eye-rolls and deign to lift sponge or dish towel. My blood pressure climbed and I too became frustrated and resentful... at the mom! I mean, really, where does she think her lovelies learned to blithely ignore household tasks? How in the world had they reached adulthood without a pinch of common courtesy that demands that even if you truly are a dinner guest you offer to help. (You are also, as my mom taught me, required to bring bakery goodies in a pink box.) So, Dear Abby Mom, if you're wondering where Drizella and Anastasia acquired their unattractive attitudes, look in the mirror. Do not get distracted by smudges and reach for the Windex! It's time for serious self-reflection about the kind of parent you are. But wait! Faultfinding is a waste of time and Thanksgiving's around the corner. Here are some quick tips for changing the family dynamic this holiday season and forevermore. And for anyone else needing help getting help around the house, these are for you too: Apologize to your daughters and/or sons today. (I'm serious!) You've taught them that your job is to serve them throughout eternity. So it's not their fault they bought into it. But you were wrong. Your job, as their parent, is to prepare them to be fully functioning independent adults. By compulsively doing for them that which they should learn to do for themselves, you do them no favors. In fact, you've held them back in their development of a cooperative spirit. How they act now, as young adults, is not your doing, but you certainly contributed to their self-centeredness. Admit it. Apologize. Move forward. Make a list of all the things that need to be done between now and the dinner bell on Thursday. Oh, and don't forget to add one general last item: "Clean up after dinner." Share the list with your kids and any other able-bodied family members who will be attending. Say, as assertively as possible (no shouting, pleading, guilt-tripping, etc.) "This is what needs to be done. Which of these tasks are you going to take responsibility for?" If you have no confidence in their promises (due to past flakiness) then get it in writing. After each self-selected assignment, say, "Thanks. We're all counting on you." Make a statement. Get used to saying, whenever necessary (holiday or not) "Hey guys, I need some help in here." Notice that it's a statement, not a question as in: "Will you please help me?" There's a good reason for that. Annie Fox Research shows that when you want something done by your spouse or your children, your chances of compliance drop to a mere 20% when you pose your request in the form of a question that has a "yes" or "no" answer. Dear Abby Mom shouldn't be asking, "Can I count on you to help?" "Can I ask you a favor?" "Do you have a minute?" No, no, not now, Mom. See what I mean? Make a statement. Know that you are loved. You don't need to do it all to be loved and admired by your family. You already are loved and admired. And guess what? No one will love you less if they know that you didn't personally crush each cranberry and do everything else without help. But you will probably appreciate everyone more if you all work together. Teach them! If you don't get the whole family involved in the process, how will they ever learn to a) make a killer feast on their own some day at which you will be an honored guest and b) teach your future grandkids how to be cooperative members of the family? And you want them to learn all that, right? Right!So good luck with the new program and Happy Thanksgiving, from our home to yours! Annie Fox, M.Ed. ia an award winning author, educator, and online adviser for parents and teens. www.anniefox.com Read excerpts from her books: Too Stressed to Think? And the new Middle School Confidential#8482; series. Download (free) her entire Teen Survival Guide to Dating Relating, http://teensurvivalguide.com Listen to her podcast series "Family Confidential: Secrets of Successful Parenting." Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com. More >>

Before, During, and After: How to Declare a Truce at the Holiday Dinner Table By Sharon M. Rivkin, M.A., M.F.T. www.sharonrivkin.com With the holidays fast approaching, our emotions seem to jump all over the place. We're excited, anxious, stressed, because there's so much to plan, and we want the holidays to be perfect. Yet, the thought of the holiday dinner quickly reminds us of past events that have been anything but loving and peaceful. Most families have some kind of history of arguments that seem to erupt at the yearly holiday dinner table. Can you avoid these uncomfortable, often repetitive, and predictable confrontations, when you are the one hosting the holiday dinner? Is it possible to declare a truce to make the holidays more enjoyable? Here are some tools to make that happen: Preparation Before the Holidays Most families naively think that this year will be different and that the same old arguments will just magically disappear. Don't be fooled. Yes, a year has passed, but unless the offending parties have worked on changing their patterns, nothing will be different. Patterns will repeat again and again! Rather than kid yourselves and "hope for the best," be proactive by preparing for the inevitable. It's as simple as having a plan that is talked about ahead of time, so that there's actually a chance to change recurring dynamics! Acknowledge that the problem exists and talk to those family members who get into it most often at the dinner table. Is there any way for them to discuss their issues ahead of time as an opportunity to understand the other's point of view? If not, can they make a truce to avoid the "hot" topics at dinner? For example: "I will not bring up politics, because I know it drives my mom crazy and starts a fight." Appeal to each person's love for the other, reminding them of their good feelings for each other and how badly they each feel when they fight at the holidays. During the Dinner Feast Whether or not you had a chance to prepare ahead of time, or if your efforts were in vain and the fight still happens, you can still be prepared with the following steps to deflect the argument during the holiday dinner: Intervene lightly, yet effectively, "Hey, we've been here before, let's table this for now and talk later. We'll all feel better if we don't continue down this road." Acknowledge that each of their points of view is valid and that their feelings are legitimate - it's simply that the timing is wrong. Don't take sides, just suggest to them to make a truce at that moment. Remember, if you get involved in the fight, it will only make it worse. Your job is to help the arguers save face and give them a chance to recompose themselves, as quickly as possible. Change the subject. "Hey, let's focus on how great Grandma's pie is. I know we ALL agree on that!" Or call attention away from the argument by acknowledging the new puppy or grandchild. This not only helps the arguers, but also the other guests who are surely feeling uncomfortable! Use humor if possible. Have a joke ready that everyone can appreciate. The Aftermath If the fight happened, it is important to talk about what happened later when the timing is right. This will help you get ready for the next event with some new tools. Talk to the arguers together and/or separately to remind them that you know they want to be happy at family events. The arguments are just a misguided way for each of them to be heard, seen, and appreciated. Help them each to take responsibility for their part of the argument, rather than blaming and shaming the other. Remind them that the argument cycle will repeat itself unless everyone does something different to break the destructive cycle. Discuss ideas. You have an opportunity to make this holiday season different. With preparation, knowledge, and the use of past experiences, start now to create the holiday dinner you really want! It is possible to change old habits; it just takes time, energy, and a commitment to do this. Make this a holiday to remember for its happiness, and your success for making it that way! "What's the big deal? All I said was . . ." Sound familiar? Argument/Affairs Expert and Therapist Sharon Rivkin helps couples fix their relationships by understanding why they fight. Sharon says, "If you don't get rid of the ghosts that haunt your arguments, you'll never stop fighting!" Read her new book, Breaking the Argument Cycle: How to Stop Fighting Without Therapy , to learn the tools of therapy to break the cycle of destructive fighting visit www.sharonrivkin.com . Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com. More >>

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How to Increase your Marriage IQ By Mort Fertel Let me begin with an email I received from a woman in my marriage help program. See if you can relate. Dear Mort, We are in week 2 of the silent treatment! It all started over something little and ridiculous! We are both adults, old enough to know better than this! He is a judge, I am a social worker! He won't budge! I need help! Jodie The dreaded silent treatment. The big stand-off. Horrible, isn't it? The most intense prayers in a household come during these silent treatments: "Oh God, I hope that's not him/her pulling into the driveway." Or, "Oh God, when will he/she go upstairs already?" Sometimes you feel like you could explode, right? Most silent treatments start like Jodie's started; with something "little and ridiculous." Most couples can't remember what the impetus was. And if they could, they'd be too embarrassed to admit that something so small blew-up into something so big. So what are these silent treatments or stand-offs REALLY about? And how can you avoid them or end them soon after they begin? It's interesting that Jodie made a point in her email to say that she and her husband "know better." In other words, they're intelligent, educated, and accomplished people. Jodie's husband is even a judge, an expert in distinguishing between right and wrong. They know that treating each other this way doesn't make sense. They know IT is wrong. But they also know that THEY are right. And that's exactly the problem! Silent treatments ensue when both people feel they're RIGHT. And the more intense each spouse's conviction to their perspective, the longer the silence lasts. And, ironically, the more intelligent and the articulate the couple, the MORE LIKELY they are to endure silence between them. Because intelligent and articulate people have confidence in their position and justification for holding their ground. Although Jodie is surprised that her and her husband, intelligent people, could be so petty; the fact is that one reason they're holding their silence for so long is BECAUSE they're intelligent. In other words, intellectual capacity and marital satisfaction can be INVERSELY related. Let me say it another way: When it comes to your marriage, you can be right or you can be happy. But sometimes you can't be both. In a courtroom, a hospital, or an office, right and wrong determine success or failure. The decision to prescribe the right medicine, for example, could be the difference between life and death. The relationship between the doctor and the patient is secondary. Being RIGHT is what matters and what is rewarded. But in marriage, being right has no value. All that matters is the relationship. Sometimes you have to choose. Do you want to be right or do you want to be happily married? Just because you're "right/wrong" paradigm works at the office doesn't mean that you should bring it home. "He who is a hammer thinks everything is a nail." Some things work perfectly in one area of life and fail terribly in another. In marriage, you have to be like a carpenter and know which tool to use. The right/wrong mode is the WRONG tool to use in your marriage. The more you insist on being RIGHT, the more you will be miserable in your marriage. Don't go for RIGHT; go for LOVE. Jodie expects that because she and her husband are "intelligent," they shouldn't find themselves in these petty stalemates. But just because Jodie and her husband have a high IQ, doesn't mean they have a high EQ. IQ is a measure of your INTELLECTUAL intelligence. The higher your IQ, the better your ability to process information and determine what's "right." EQ is a measure of your EMOTIONAL intelligence. The higher your EQ, the better your ability to connect with people and succeed in relationships. Just as some athletes are strong but not fast, so too many people have a high IQ but a low EQ. Bottom line: Intelligence, in the way Jodie means it, has little bearing on her and her husband's ability to succeed in their marriage. In fact, a high IQ coupled with a low EQ can be a disastrous combination for a marriage. The good news, however, is that EQ can be developed. Anyone can increase their EQ and learn to make their marriage RIGHT. Mort Fertel is a world authority on the psychology of relationships and has an international reputation for saving marriages. He's been a featured expert on NBC, the Fox News Network, and in Family Circle. Click here for Mort's FREE report "7 Secrets to Fixing Your Marriage." Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com. More >>